The Argument for More Friends IRL (In Real Life)

I run social media for my magazine, so basically I get paid to run around the internet reading people’s Facebook posts, tweets, news articles and blog posts. Yeah, it’s a sweet gig, but somebody’s gotta do it, right?

Today I found an article titled, “Why Facebook Is More Important Than Your House.” You would think that since I spend the better part of the week on that site, this would delight me. It turns out that around the same time this article was written last winter, I had come across another article, “How Facebook Secretly Ends Your Relationships,” and this one has had me thinking ever since I read it about how much our relationships with others have changed in recent years.

To be clear, I am not bashing social media or Facebook (not today, at least). Although I occasionally suffer from a little SM-overload, I love my job and am constantly amazed at all of the brilliant and informative information that I come across daily.

I will say, though, that since February I’ve looked at social media a lot differently, and it’s changed the way I’ve interacted on my personal accounts. I realized that in some ways I’ve used social media as a replacement for real-life interaction, able to lurk secretly around my friends’ and followers’ activities without having to give anything of myself other than the occasional pithy (in my own mind) remark. It’s made me pull back quite a bit.

Sites like Facebook and Twitter, not to mention blogs, have allowed us to do incredible things: stay in touch with friends and family on the other side of the world, learn about world-changing events as they break, and find like-minded people to connect with that we would have otherwise never met, to name a few.

But I think that these sites have also allowed us to treat many of our connections on autopilot, to make it more about how many “friends” that we have rather than the quality of those friendships. Others have been saying similar things for quite some time, but armed with the added knowledge of just how ingrained in our lives social media becomes, and how it evaluates our unconscious (or is it subconscious?) actions and manipulates our online relationships based on their findings — well, that just makes a person think.

So, am I going to stop using social media? Even excluding the fact that I use it for work, I doubt it. There’s just too much going on to be completely left out of the loop. But I am going to use it more wisely, just like I’ve been trying to do with my television and movie viewing habits. And I’m going to try and repair some of the “IRL” bonds that I’ve let slip as I’ve allowed “life” to get in the way. In the end, it’s the only thing that’s going to make me truly connected — and truly happy.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to log off and go call a friend. Doesn’t matter who, as long as I don’t do it online. ;-)

Being New Doesn't Last Forever

It's been a long time since I've done something that either doesn't come intuitively to me or that I haven't been doing for years. So, the last several months at my new job have been very hard for me. As much as I knew that a lot of the mistakes and misunderstandings I was experiencing came from being incredibly new, I've still been spent a lot of my time incredibly frustrated and in fear for my future.

I started in the hair industry 17 years ago this June. After 10 months of cosmetology school, I then had another six months of advanced training that I went through before being placed in a salon to build my own clientele. School wasn't so bad; people expect you to screw up there. Once, I even waxed most of one of my mother's eyebrows off. She eventually forgave me, and the eyebrow eventually grew back.

But the training program after school was tough in the beginning. Even though I knew I needed more training, I was so sure that I was such a hot-shit hairdresser from school that for a while all the additional training did was teach me how much I didn't know. I remember the first time I highlighted somebody's hair after learning the "right" way to do it. A procedure that had before taken me 40 minutes to perform took three hours. Halfway through the service, I walked into the back room, threw my hands up and proclaimed that I was tired and done. My manager didn't even bother to look at me as she told me to get my ass back out there and finish up what I was doing.

And there was the (first) time that I turned a client's hair orange while trying to get it blonde. She, proud new owner of pumpkin orange hair, sat there and told me everything would be all right as I cried hysterically. (Oddly enough, I had an eerily similar situation the first time, as a manager, that I had to fire someone.) And still, somehow I managed to become a pretty decent hair colorist over the years, if I do say so myself.

Even though I replayed these and many, many other similar situations in my head, over these last few months every time I've seen my writing heavily edited or somebody points out an error that I've failed to catch, I have beaten myself up over the inability to learn my job instantly. I even went through a tough couple of weeks of sleeping issues because I was so sure that I was going to get fired at any time.

A couple of weeks ago, my team supervisor gave me a really nice compliment based on a conversation she'd had with our managing editor. She told me how they felt I had risen to the occasion during a complicated and hectic time. (Due to unexpected events, I transitioned into my job with minimal supervision.)

That was a conversation that came at exactly the right time and, for some reason, finally made me objectively evaluate how I've been doing. And, you know what? It's not so bad. Even just the difference between how I launched the last issue of the magazine compared to the first issue I launched right before Christmas — well, it's night and day. For one, last month I didn't set my alarm for 4 a.m. to make sure that I hadn't screwed up the whole process. And the mistakes that I was making even in February — I'm not making them today.

So, am I saying that I've got my job down to an art and it's time to move onto something else? Not even in my dreams. But I'm making different mistakes now, having learned from past ones, and every one that I make helps me learn a new skill a little bit better. And I know that every day I'll feel more comfortable with what I do and my ability to do it. I've been telling myself this all along, but now, finally, I actually believe it, and I'm able to sit back and enjoy the process. Somewhat.

(Update: The morning after writing the first draft of this post, I made a totally dumbass but (thankfully!) correctable mistake at work. So, yeah, I've still got a long way to go before doing things with my eyes closed. But it still feels better than it used to!)

Zen and Simple: The Un-Manifesto

Once upon a time, about six years ago, I used to think it was possible to have a zen, simple life. Not that I had one back then, but at least I believed that I could, and I was working daily to make it happen.

Then life got in the way. Since then I've dealt with a lot: a sick, then dying, mother; a chronically ill dog; a job change, including a lawsuit; working while going to school full-time; and, finally, a complete career change. Needless to say, somewhere along the way, I gave up on the idea that life could be either zen or simple.

Well, not anymore. Now that the speed of life has slowed once again to a crawl, I've felt somewhat out of sorts. I may not be rushing from job to school to meetings like I once was, or staying up until 2 a.m. to finish a paper due tomorrow, but there are still a lot of things from my pre-rollercoaster life that I've forgotten about — or have been to lazy to change — that I want back.

So, my newest project (at least until my next bright idea comes along) is to work my way back to the more streamlined version of my life (a la 2005), and then achieve the peace that I was searching for back then.

As might be expected when you're unhappy with something, it's easier for me to focus on what's not currently working than it is to imagine a perfect version of my future life. So, in that vein, I have created "Zen and Simple: The Un-Manifesto," a list of completely unacceptable ways to live my life.

Zen and simple is not...

• rushing around the house every morning to get ready for work.
• frantically searching for things I need.
• sitting in traffic knowing that I wouldn't be late if I had just left the house 10 minutes earlier, like I had planned.
• repeatedly cleaning up and putting away crap that I don't need and, in many cases, don't even like.
• worrying about money. But also not using money to try to make myself happy.
• worrying about catastrophes that might never happen.
• interacting with toxic friends and hanging onto unhealthy connections while avoiding healthy relationships because they feel like too much work.
• trying to be who I think people want me to be, instead of who I really am.
• getting upset over tings that don't matter.
• being so goddamn tired all the time.

Deep down I truly believe that life doesn't have to be that complicated; I know that I bring most difficulty on myself. With the right attitude and a little preparation, I think that a person (specifically, I) can handle almost anything with relative ease.

So, that's my mission: to find the life I was looking for before all hell broke loose. It will encompass most, if not all, areas of my life: physical space, like ridding my house of unnecessary things and creating beauty around me; mental processes, like organizing my time better; controlling my impulses, like eliminating emotional shopping; and learning how to  manage my energy levels to get real, needed rest.

Wish me luck and, if you want, check in to see how I'm doing. Let me know if anything sounds familiar in your own life or if you've already found a solution for a problem I'm working on — I'd love to hear what you think!

We've Started the Revolution — Are You In?

I love my job! As I try to tell at least one person on a daily basis, I work for this most awesome magazine, Experience Life, that does most awesome things.

One of the things we've been working on since December is a very cool microsite called RevolutionaryAct.com. For the January/February 2011 issue of the magazine, our editor in chief wrote a six-page feature called "Being Healthy is a Revolutionary Act." The article included a pull-out manifesto, offered a few teasers of our "101 Ways to Be Healthy," and basically launched the RevolutionaryAct site.

The article and site have attracted the attention of some impressive names in the wellness world, including Mark Hyman, MD, and Frank Lipman, MD, and word has spread pretty quickly — especially about the "101 Ways" page of the site. We just had our first RevAct meetup in Minneapolis, where we saw a screening of the film Vanishing of the Bees, and have started taping short videos on what we consider our favorites of the 101 ways.

Because I spend the majority of my work days managing social media for the magazine and RevAct, I sometimes forget to share this information with people in my personal sphere, which is a shame because this shit is just too freakin' cool to miss.

Anyway... here is the video that I shot last week to share my favorite revolutionary way to be healthy. I was going to reshoot it because I know exactly how much I look like a dork. Then I realized that if I shot it again I was still going to look like a dork, so I decided not to waste the time. It is what it is, for the world to see.

But really, if you haven't already had the chance to check out this site, you really should. We all could stand to be a little healthier these days, and this is a real motivator. Give us a shout on Facebook, Twitter or YouTube (with more dorky videos) and, if you really like it, join the revolution and perform Revolutionary Act #101: Pass it on!

Office Zen: a Review

I was recently contacted by Kole McRae of Office Buddha to review his first ebook, Office Zen, (currently selling for $3). I figured that I'm always looking for more zen in my life and I work in an office, so what more perfect book for me to read, right?

The tag line of the book promises, "Get More Done, Reduce Stress, Love Your Life and Find Time to Do the Things You Love." Based on the cover, I was looking forward to finding out how I could make my work time more peaceful and productive.

I like the premise of the book and there is some valid information that McRae shares. At the end of each short chapter, McRae offers one or two actionable tips based on what the chapter covered.

However, I think the book could have benefited from more work. There are generalizations and assumptions that are made throughout that are flawed. The third page starts out with the statement, "Once you’ve worked a full time office job for more than a few weeks you find it starts to really grate on you." While I understand what McRae is trying to stay, the inaccuracy of the statement — and others like it later on — bothered me.

And, while I love the idea of a writer using his personal experiences to provide real-life examples and make his point, I felt that many of McRae's examples, and the advice that came from his experience was often too specific and applicable to few. In a later chapter, he suggests getting a pet to feel happier. I know that research supports this theory, but it's also not a feasible option for many people. And his suggestion of a pet rat — probably not one of the most popular options — felt ridiculous to me.

Interestingly, some of the things that don't impress me about Office Zen are exactly what I like about Office Buddha. McRae's style is casual and relatable, his ideas are bite-sized enough to satisfy my short attention span and I like his actionable tips, even if I do feel they need work. But I also feel that the book could benefit from better organization, focus and formatting.

So, my final verdict? There are worse ways that you can spend $3 than to buy Office Zen, especially if much of what McRae describes applies to you: your office life works your last nerve, work drama is driving you insane and you have no clue how to prioritize. And even if this isn't what you're looking for, I would recommend keeping an eye on his blog — McRae has made a great first attempt and I look forward to seeing him improve in future books.

The Power (and Horror) of Choice

Do you suffer from decision paralysis? Whether it's if you should go on that date, which car you should buy, or the next email you should answer, there are a lot of decisions, big and small, that we're faced with daily — sometimes hourly.

I'm reading The Success Principles by Jack Canfield right now, and I recently read a section in the beginning about making definitive choices. Canfield's opening anecdote described attending a workshop where there were different colored notebooks on the chairs for the attendees. Canfield sat at a chair with a yellow notebook on it but immediately wished that he had chosen a chair with a blue notebook. One of the first things the presenter suggested was for people to trade notebooks with somebody else to get the color they wanted.

Not a huge success in the greater scheme of things, but it was the beginning of reclaiming my birthright to acknowledge my preferences and get exactly what I want. Up until then, I would have discounted my preference as petty and not worth acting on. I would have continued to numb out my awareness of what I wanted. That day was a turning point for me—the beginning of allowing myself to know and act on my wants and desires in a much more powerful way.

This story really spoke to me because for as long as I can remember I have shied away from making decisions, yet I am actually very opinionated. When I was offered my current position, my editor asked me where I saw myself fitting in at the magazine over time. I actually said — no lie, "(Blah, blah, blah), I just want to do whatever I can to help." Are you kidding me? What kind of a boneheaded answer is that?

Okay, in my defense, things had moved so quickly that the question had caught me off guard. And, in one way, I really meant it — I don't think that there's a job description in the entire office that I would mind having. But, come on, if you ask me what my dream job would be in that office, I could give you a minimum of two (and probably up to 10) scenarios that are pretty damn specific. Yet, I never even hinted at either. What is that all about?

Depending on the situation, there are many reasons why I have a hard time choosing one option over others: There are too many options and I feel overwhelmed. I'm afraid of appearing too demanding. I'm not really fond of any of the choices. Or the opposite — I flat-out want it all. But most of the time I'm just afraid of making the "wrong" decision. But there are definite consequences to not having — and stating — preferences:

• Sometimes any choice is often better than no choice at all. Given option A or option B, sometimes I feel that if I just let myself be swept along by life, things will fall into place "just like they're supposed to," however that is. Unfortunately, along comes option C or D that either happens by accident or somebody else chooses for me, and I find myself wishing for that time when I had control over an outcome.

• You appear unmotivated, lacking direction. You won't look greedy or presumptuous (unless you're constantly spouting your desires to the exclusion of everybody else) — you'll look like somebody who knows what they want and probably how to get it. I didn't want to tell my editor what my ideal position would look like because it's not what I'm currently doing. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy what I'm doing; I just have other plans for the future. But I felt that I would somehow come across as ungrateful for the opportunity I had been given so far if I had stated those plans then.

• People will eventually stop asking for your opinion. I had a boyfriend that never had an opinion on what we should have for dinner, what movie we should see or which friends to hang out with. After a while, I got sick of hearing, "I don't care," so I just started making plans and letting him know what we would be doing. And eventually I decided that if I was making all the decisions and all the plans, what the hell did I need him for — get it?

There are a couple of things to consider that I think help when you are stuck making a decision:

• Your body knows way more than your brain does when it comes to decision-making. Almost without fail, anytime I've made a horribly wrong decision, my body sent me screaming signals telling me something was up. Anything from an upset stomach to insomnia. Usually, in these cases I wasn't able to logically explain what made me so nervous, but not heeding those feelings bit me in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't until recently that I could accept anything other than logic and reasoning as true decision-making skills.

• Flipping a coin really does work. No, I don't believe that you should trust your fate to whether you're staring George Washington in the eye or not. But if you really think you don't have a strong preference for a particular option (preferably when there's only two to choose from), assign one to each side of a coin and let if fly. When you discover the option you've "chosen," if there's any feeling of disappointment, guess what?

That's the part of you that does care, screaming to get out. Let it.

Rise Above the Noise - Book Review

Rise Above the Noise, by Mike Donghia

Last week, I was thinking that I wanted to try writing book reviews — a way to combine two of the things I love to do the most: reading and writing. Two days later, I received a request from a blogger I follow, Mike Donghia of The Art of Minimalism, to review his first ebook, Rise Above the Noise. Crazy how life works, huh?

I don't know Donghia, outside of reading his blog posts over the last several months, and I am not an affiliate for the book (as in, I don't get paid if you buy it), so what I'm offering up is an honest opinion of how the book read.

As you can probably tell from the title of his blog, Donghia blogs on being — and how to be — a minimalist. Rise Above the Noise is a book that brings together the ideas and principles from the blog all in one place. The content is new, the format is new, but the ideas are what Donghia's been writing about since last fall.

The title, Rise Above the Noise, refers to all of the "clutter" that we're bombarded by and that dilute our focus every day: crowded email inboxes, incessant chatter on social media sites, inane entertainment around the clock and too much stuff that we just don't need. Donghia has chosen to turn away from the current consumerist trend and pare his life down to what he considers really important, thus reducing the "noise" that he's exposed to. He seems to be really enjoying his new way of life, and this book (along with his blog) is his way to help others do the same.

On top of wanting to help those of us who buy his book, Donghia wants to help others too. He is selling Rise Above the Noise for $10 USD, and I've just learned that he will be donating 100% of the first week's (increased from the first 48 hours') proceeds to Hope International. Isn't that cool?

What Worked

• It's about more than the number of things you own. This book is about simplifying life and becoming a minimalist, which can mean a lot of things, depending on your definitions. To many, the idea of minimalism has become about counting how many things a person has, but Donghia stresses that it's more about what you do with your life and the quality it has, not the number of things you eject from it.
• There are many relatable examples. When Donghia talks about how important it is to get a restful night's sleep, yet how often he lies awake in bed, his mind buzzing from all the "noise," I feel his pain — literally. Then, a few paragraphs later, he talks about our persistent inability to make choices for fear of what he calls "chooser's remorse." I'm in the middle of writing a post about that right now; I think to myself, is this guy living parts of my life?
• Donghia's not telling people to quit their jobs and travel the world. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I follow several bloggers who have done just that and I think it's awesome. Hell, I want to be them. But for many, the idea is impractical or just unappealing. But here is a guy who is a minimalist as he goes to college and, I imagine, does a lot of things that the traditional college student does. He's showing people how they can simplify their life, maximize their happiness and still live the life they've already created, if that's their choice.
• He offers actionable tips and good resources. I have to admit that when I started the book, I first had the feeling that it was going to be one of those things where the writer keeps telling me what he was going to tell me, yet somehow never actually tells me what he says he's going to tell me. (Yea, barely makes sense to me either.) But Donghia delivers with concrete ideas to create the kind of life that he's making for himself, and shares his three key principles that tie everything together: restraint, responsibility and focus.

At the end, Donghia also suggests some tools that can help someone in their minimalist transition, including a website (his own), a great minimalist handbook and several computer and Web-related applications designed to help you simplify and focus.

 What Didn't

• Long and unclear introduction. As I said, I've been reading Donghia's blog for a few months and, even so, in the beginning I found myself asking, "Just where is this going?" In the first five pages of the book, a lot of different concepts are touched on, from freedom to streams of noise to "time theft" to control issues to the Cookie Monster. 

While I appreciate a Sesame Street reference as much as the next person, it was hard to keep up with Donghia's train of thought far enough to see if it was a ride I even wanted to take. Because I don't like not knowing where I'm going in a book like this (part of my own control issues), I might have stopped reading if it weren't for this review. But once I got through a few more pages, I was in.

Who Would Like This Book

• Somebody who is frustrated with their life but not sure why. I'm sure this book — and, more so, minimalism — isn't the answer everybody is looking for, but I think that somebody who knows they need or want to make a change will appreciate what Donghia is saying and probably be able to take away a few things to use or think about.
• Beginning and wannabe minimalists. I consider myself a member of both these categories, so I should know, right? On one hand, Donghia doesn't necessarily share groundbreaking news, but he really does have some good ideas and he frames them in a way that is making me think differently than I have before.   

In his section, "How to Rise Above the Noise," Donghia talks about "filling the void" when adjusting to new, simpler ways. I've been experiencing a lot of roadbloacks in my own transition attempts, and as I read this advice, I immediately knew that this was my problem. For me, if I got nothing else out of the book (which I did), this one piece of advice was worth it.  

• A younger demographic. Not to say that somebody over the age couldn't appreciate this book (I did), but I think that an under-30 crowd will be able to relate to Donghia better. As someone approaching her mid-forties, I believe that you can learn from people of all ages, and I took away quite a bit from this book. But I admit that there was a part of me that kept thinking that someone so young doesn't understand the very legitimate issues Donghia brings up in the same way that I do.
• Somebody looking for a less extremist approach to minimalism. As I said before, nowhere will this book tell you to sell all but 50 pieces of your worldly possessions and make sure your passport it up-to-date. While Donghia's certainly not the only minimalist who isn't "location independent," it's refreshing to see somebody mixing traditional and non-traditional lifestyle choices and making it work.

Final Thoughts
Bottom line: I liked the book. Not a surprise, since I've been reading Donghia's blog and know that I like both his ideas and his writing.

And it's spurred me to action: I've just reduced my RSS feed by half — down to those who really matter to me, and plan to do the same with my Facebook connections and the people I follow on Twitter this weekend. That's what I can do right now to rise above my own noise.

Once more, I'll say that this book isn't for everybody. But if you're fascinated with the minimalist lifestyle — or are just sick of your own — this could be a book for you. Even if you come away with just one idea you consider really powerful (like filling the void), it could be worth the $10, and (if you buy it by March 10), you'd be helping out a really great cause, too.

To buy and download Rise Above the Noise, click here. And if you do read it, let me know what you think!