The Argument for More Friends IRL (In Real Life)

I run social media for my magazine, so basically I get paid to run around the internet reading people’s Facebook posts, tweets, news articles and blog posts. Yeah, it’s a sweet gig, but somebody’s gotta do it, right?

Today I found an article titled, “Why Facebook Is More Important Than Your House.” You would think that since I spend the better part of the week on that site, this would delight me. It turns out that around the same time this article was written last winter, I had come across another article, “How Facebook Secretly Ends Your Relationships,” and this one has had me thinking ever since I read it about how much our relationships with others have changed in recent years.

To be clear, I am not bashing social media or Facebook (not today, at least). Although I occasionally suffer from a little SM-overload, I love my job and am constantly amazed at all of the brilliant and informative information that I come across daily.

I will say, though, that since February I’ve looked at social media a lot differently, and it’s changed the way I’ve interacted on my personal accounts. I realized that in some ways I’ve used social media as a replacement for real-life interaction, able to lurk secretly around my friends’ and followers’ activities without having to give anything of myself other than the occasional pithy (in my own mind) remark. It’s made me pull back quite a bit.

Sites like Facebook and Twitter, not to mention blogs, have allowed us to do incredible things: stay in touch with friends and family on the other side of the world, learn about world-changing events as they break, and find like-minded people to connect with that we would have otherwise never met, to name a few.

But I think that these sites have also allowed us to treat many of our connections on autopilot, to make it more about how many “friends” that we have rather than the quality of those friendships. Others have been saying similar things for quite some time, but armed with the added knowledge of just how ingrained in our lives social media becomes, and how it evaluates our unconscious (or is it subconscious?) actions and manipulates our online relationships based on their findings — well, that just makes a person think.

So, am I going to stop using social media? Even excluding the fact that I use it for work, I doubt it. There’s just too much going on to be completely left out of the loop. But I am going to use it more wisely, just like I’ve been trying to do with my television and movie viewing habits. And I’m going to try and repair some of the “IRL” bonds that I’ve let slip as I’ve allowed “life” to get in the way. In the end, it’s the only thing that’s going to make me truly connected — and truly happy.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to log off and go call a friend. Doesn’t matter who, as long as I don’t do it online. ;-)

Being New Doesn't Last Forever

It's been a long time since I've done something that either doesn't come intuitively to me or that I haven't been doing for years. So, the last several months at my new job have been very hard for me. As much as I knew that a lot of the mistakes and misunderstandings I was experiencing came from being incredibly new, I've still been spent a lot of my time incredibly frustrated and in fear for my future.

I started in the hair industry 17 years ago this June. After 10 months of cosmetology school, I then had another six months of advanced training that I went through before being placed in a salon to build my own clientele. School wasn't so bad; people expect you to screw up there. Once, I even waxed most of one of my mother's eyebrows off. She eventually forgave me, and the eyebrow eventually grew back.

But the training program after school was tough in the beginning. Even though I knew I needed more training, I was so sure that I was such a hot-shit hairdresser from school that for a while all the additional training did was teach me how much I didn't know. I remember the first time I highlighted somebody's hair after learning the "right" way to do it. A procedure that had before taken me 40 minutes to perform took three hours. Halfway through the service, I walked into the back room, threw my hands up and proclaimed that I was tired and done. My manager didn't even bother to look at me as she told me to get my ass back out there and finish up what I was doing.

And there was the (first) time that I turned a client's hair orange while trying to get it blonde. She, proud new owner of pumpkin orange hair, sat there and told me everything would be all right as I cried hysterically. (Oddly enough, I had an eerily similar situation the first time, as a manager, that I had to fire someone.) And still, somehow I managed to become a pretty decent hair colorist over the years, if I do say so myself.

Even though I replayed these and many, many other similar situations in my head, over these last few months every time I've seen my writing heavily edited or somebody points out an error that I've failed to catch, I have beaten myself up over the inability to learn my job instantly. I even went through a tough couple of weeks of sleeping issues because I was so sure that I was going to get fired at any time.

A couple of weeks ago, my team supervisor gave me a really nice compliment based on a conversation she'd had with our managing editor. She told me how they felt I had risen to the occasion during a complicated and hectic time. (Due to unexpected events, I transitioned into my job with minimal supervision.)

That was a conversation that came at exactly the right time and, for some reason, finally made me objectively evaluate how I've been doing. And, you know what? It's not so bad. Even just the difference between how I launched the last issue of the magazine compared to the first issue I launched right before Christmas — well, it's night and day. For one, last month I didn't set my alarm for 4 a.m. to make sure that I hadn't screwed up the whole process. And the mistakes that I was making even in February — I'm not making them today.

So, am I saying that I've got my job down to an art and it's time to move onto something else? Not even in my dreams. But I'm making different mistakes now, having learned from past ones, and every one that I make helps me learn a new skill a little bit better. And I know that every day I'll feel more comfortable with what I do and my ability to do it. I've been telling myself this all along, but now, finally, I actually believe it, and I'm able to sit back and enjoy the process. Somewhat.

(Update: The morning after writing the first draft of this post, I made a totally dumbass but (thankfully!) correctable mistake at work. So, yeah, I've still got a long way to go before doing things with my eyes closed. But it still feels better than it used to!)

Zen and Simple: The Un-Manifesto

Once upon a time, about six years ago, I used to think it was possible to have a zen, simple life. Not that I had one back then, but at least I believed that I could, and I was working daily to make it happen.

Then life got in the way. Since then I've dealt with a lot: a sick, then dying, mother; a chronically ill dog; a job change, including a lawsuit; working while going to school full-time; and, finally, a complete career change. Needless to say, somewhere along the way, I gave up on the idea that life could be either zen or simple.

Well, not anymore. Now that the speed of life has slowed once again to a crawl, I've felt somewhat out of sorts. I may not be rushing from job to school to meetings like I once was, or staying up until 2 a.m. to finish a paper due tomorrow, but there are still a lot of things from my pre-rollercoaster life that I've forgotten about — or have been to lazy to change — that I want back.

So, my newest project (at least until my next bright idea comes along) is to work my way back to the more streamlined version of my life (a la 2005), and then achieve the peace that I was searching for back then.

As might be expected when you're unhappy with something, it's easier for me to focus on what's not currently working than it is to imagine a perfect version of my future life. So, in that vein, I have created "Zen and Simple: The Un-Manifesto," a list of completely unacceptable ways to live my life.

Zen and simple is not...

• rushing around the house every morning to get ready for work.
• frantically searching for things I need.
• sitting in traffic knowing that I wouldn't be late if I had just left the house 10 minutes earlier, like I had planned.
• repeatedly cleaning up and putting away crap that I don't need and, in many cases, don't even like.
• worrying about money. But also not using money to try to make myself happy.
• worrying about catastrophes that might never happen.
• interacting with toxic friends and hanging onto unhealthy connections while avoiding healthy relationships because they feel like too much work.
• trying to be who I think people want me to be, instead of who I really am.
• getting upset over tings that don't matter.
• being so goddamn tired all the time.

Deep down I truly believe that life doesn't have to be that complicated; I know that I bring most difficulty on myself. With the right attitude and a little preparation, I think that a person (specifically, I) can handle almost anything with relative ease.

So, that's my mission: to find the life I was looking for before all hell broke loose. It will encompass most, if not all, areas of my life: physical space, like ridding my house of unnecessary things and creating beauty around me; mental processes, like organizing my time better; controlling my impulses, like eliminating emotional shopping; and learning how to  manage my energy levels to get real, needed rest.

Wish me luck and, if you want, check in to see how I'm doing. Let me know if anything sounds familiar in your own life or if you've already found a solution for a problem I'm working on — I'd love to hear what you think!

We've Started the Revolution — Are You In?

I love my job! As I try to tell at least one person on a daily basis, I work for this most awesome magazine, Experience Life, that does most awesome things.

One of the things we've been working on since December is a very cool microsite called RevolutionaryAct.com. For the January/February 2011 issue of the magazine, our editor in chief wrote a six-page feature called "Being Healthy is a Revolutionary Act." The article included a pull-out manifesto, offered a few teasers of our "101 Ways to Be Healthy," and basically launched the RevolutionaryAct site.

The article and site have attracted the attention of some impressive names in the wellness world, including Mark Hyman, MD, and Frank Lipman, MD, and word has spread pretty quickly — especially about the "101 Ways" page of the site. We just had our first RevAct meetup in Minneapolis, where we saw a screening of the film Vanishing of the Bees, and have started taping short videos on what we consider our favorites of the 101 ways.

Because I spend the majority of my work days managing social media for the magazine and RevAct, I sometimes forget to share this information with people in my personal sphere, which is a shame because this shit is just too freakin' cool to miss.

Anyway... here is the video that I shot last week to share my favorite revolutionary way to be healthy. I was going to reshoot it because I know exactly how much I look like a dork. Then I realized that if I shot it again I was still going to look like a dork, so I decided not to waste the time. It is what it is, for the world to see.

But really, if you haven't already had the chance to check out this site, you really should. We all could stand to be a little healthier these days, and this is a real motivator. Give us a shout on Facebook, Twitter or YouTube (with more dorky videos) and, if you really like it, join the revolution and perform Revolutionary Act #101: Pass it on!

Office Zen: a Review

I was recently contacted by Kole McRae of Office Buddha to review his first ebook, Office Zen, (currently selling for $3). I figured that I'm always looking for more zen in my life and I work in an office, so what more perfect book for me to read, right?

The tag line of the book promises, "Get More Done, Reduce Stress, Love Your Life and Find Time to Do the Things You Love." Based on the cover, I was looking forward to finding out how I could make my work time more peaceful and productive.

I like the premise of the book and there is some valid information that McRae shares. At the end of each short chapter, McRae offers one or two actionable tips based on what the chapter covered.

However, I think the book could have benefited from more work. There are generalizations and assumptions that are made throughout that are flawed. The third page starts out with the statement, "Once you’ve worked a full time office job for more than a few weeks you find it starts to really grate on you." While I understand what McRae is trying to stay, the inaccuracy of the statement — and others like it later on — bothered me.

And, while I love the idea of a writer using his personal experiences to provide real-life examples and make his point, I felt that many of McRae's examples, and the advice that came from his experience was often too specific and applicable to few. In a later chapter, he suggests getting a pet to feel happier. I know that research supports this theory, but it's also not a feasible option for many people. And his suggestion of a pet rat — probably not one of the most popular options — felt ridiculous to me.

Interestingly, some of the things that don't impress me about Office Zen are exactly what I like about Office Buddha. McRae's style is casual and relatable, his ideas are bite-sized enough to satisfy my short attention span and I like his actionable tips, even if I do feel they need work. But I also feel that the book could benefit from better organization, focus and formatting.

So, my final verdict? There are worse ways that you can spend $3 than to buy Office Zen, especially if much of what McRae describes applies to you: your office life works your last nerve, work drama is driving you insane and you have no clue how to prioritize. And even if this isn't what you're looking for, I would recommend keeping an eye on his blog — McRae has made a great first attempt and I look forward to seeing him improve in future books.

The Power (and Horror) of Choice

Do you suffer from decision paralysis? Whether it's if you should go on that date, which car you should buy, or the next email you should answer, there are a lot of decisions, big and small, that we're faced with daily — sometimes hourly.

I'm reading The Success Principles by Jack Canfield right now, and I recently read a section in the beginning about making definitive choices. Canfield's opening anecdote described attending a workshop where there were different colored notebooks on the chairs for the attendees. Canfield sat at a chair with a yellow notebook on it but immediately wished that he had chosen a chair with a blue notebook. One of the first things the presenter suggested was for people to trade notebooks with somebody else to get the color they wanted.

Not a huge success in the greater scheme of things, but it was the beginning of reclaiming my birthright to acknowledge my preferences and get exactly what I want. Up until then, I would have discounted my preference as petty and not worth acting on. I would have continued to numb out my awareness of what I wanted. That day was a turning point for me—the beginning of allowing myself to know and act on my wants and desires in a much more powerful way.

This story really spoke to me because for as long as I can remember I have shied away from making decisions, yet I am actually very opinionated. When I was offered my current position, my editor asked me where I saw myself fitting in at the magazine over time. I actually said — no lie, "(Blah, blah, blah), I just want to do whatever I can to help." Are you kidding me? What kind of a boneheaded answer is that?

Okay, in my defense, things had moved so quickly that the question had caught me off guard. And, in one way, I really meant it — I don't think that there's a job description in the entire office that I would mind having. But, come on, if you ask me what my dream job would be in that office, I could give you a minimum of two (and probably up to 10) scenarios that are pretty damn specific. Yet, I never even hinted at either. What is that all about?

Depending on the situation, there are many reasons why I have a hard time choosing one option over others: There are too many options and I feel overwhelmed. I'm afraid of appearing too demanding. I'm not really fond of any of the choices. Or the opposite — I flat-out want it all. But most of the time I'm just afraid of making the "wrong" decision. But there are definite consequences to not having — and stating — preferences:

• Sometimes any choice is often better than no choice at all. Given option A or option B, sometimes I feel that if I just let myself be swept along by life, things will fall into place "just like they're supposed to," however that is. Unfortunately, along comes option C or D that either happens by accident or somebody else chooses for me, and I find myself wishing for that time when I had control over an outcome.

• You appear unmotivated, lacking direction. You won't look greedy or presumptuous (unless you're constantly spouting your desires to the exclusion of everybody else) — you'll look like somebody who knows what they want and probably how to get it. I didn't want to tell my editor what my ideal position would look like because it's not what I'm currently doing. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy what I'm doing; I just have other plans for the future. But I felt that I would somehow come across as ungrateful for the opportunity I had been given so far if I had stated those plans then.

• People will eventually stop asking for your opinion. I had a boyfriend that never had an opinion on what we should have for dinner, what movie we should see or which friends to hang out with. After a while, I got sick of hearing, "I don't care," so I just started making plans and letting him know what we would be doing. And eventually I decided that if I was making all the decisions and all the plans, what the hell did I need him for — get it?

There are a couple of things to consider that I think help when you are stuck making a decision:

• Your body knows way more than your brain does when it comes to decision-making. Almost without fail, anytime I've made a horribly wrong decision, my body sent me screaming signals telling me something was up. Anything from an upset stomach to insomnia. Usually, in these cases I wasn't able to logically explain what made me so nervous, but not heeding those feelings bit me in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't until recently that I could accept anything other than logic and reasoning as true decision-making skills.

• Flipping a coin really does work. No, I don't believe that you should trust your fate to whether you're staring George Washington in the eye or not. But if you really think you don't have a strong preference for a particular option (preferably when there's only two to choose from), assign one to each side of a coin and let if fly. When you discover the option you've "chosen," if there's any feeling of disappointment, guess what?

That's the part of you that does care, screaming to get out. Let it.

Rise Above the Noise - Book Review

Rise Above the Noise, by Mike Donghia

Last week, I was thinking that I wanted to try writing book reviews — a way to combine two of the things I love to do the most: reading and writing. Two days later, I received a request from a blogger I follow, Mike Donghia of The Art of Minimalism, to review his first ebook, Rise Above the Noise. Crazy how life works, huh?

I don't know Donghia, outside of reading his blog posts over the last several months, and I am not an affiliate for the book (as in, I don't get paid if you buy it), so what I'm offering up is an honest opinion of how the book read.

As you can probably tell from the title of his blog, Donghia blogs on being — and how to be — a minimalist. Rise Above the Noise is a book that brings together the ideas and principles from the blog all in one place. The content is new, the format is new, but the ideas are what Donghia's been writing about since last fall.

The title, Rise Above the Noise, refers to all of the "clutter" that we're bombarded by and that dilute our focus every day: crowded email inboxes, incessant chatter on social media sites, inane entertainment around the clock and too much stuff that we just don't need. Donghia has chosen to turn away from the current consumerist trend and pare his life down to what he considers really important, thus reducing the "noise" that he's exposed to. He seems to be really enjoying his new way of life, and this book (along with his blog) is his way to help others do the same.

On top of wanting to help those of us who buy his book, Donghia wants to help others too. He is selling Rise Above the Noise for $10 USD, and I've just learned that he will be donating 100% of the first week's (increased from the first 48 hours') proceeds to Hope International. Isn't that cool?

What Worked

• It's about more than the number of things you own. This book is about simplifying life and becoming a minimalist, which can mean a lot of things, depending on your definitions. To many, the idea of minimalism has become about counting how many things a person has, but Donghia stresses that it's more about what you do with your life and the quality it has, not the number of things you eject from it.
• There are many relatable examples. When Donghia talks about how important it is to get a restful night's sleep, yet how often he lies awake in bed, his mind buzzing from all the "noise," I feel his pain — literally. Then, a few paragraphs later, he talks about our persistent inability to make choices for fear of what he calls "chooser's remorse." I'm in the middle of writing a post about that right now; I think to myself, is this guy living parts of my life?
• Donghia's not telling people to quit their jobs and travel the world. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I follow several bloggers who have done just that and I think it's awesome. Hell, I want to be them. But for many, the idea is impractical or just unappealing. But here is a guy who is a minimalist as he goes to college and, I imagine, does a lot of things that the traditional college student does. He's showing people how they can simplify their life, maximize their happiness and still live the life they've already created, if that's their choice.
• He offers actionable tips and good resources. I have to admit that when I started the book, I first had the feeling that it was going to be one of those things where the writer keeps telling me what he was going to tell me, yet somehow never actually tells me what he says he's going to tell me. (Yea, barely makes sense to me either.) But Donghia delivers with concrete ideas to create the kind of life that he's making for himself, and shares his three key principles that tie everything together: restraint, responsibility and focus.

At the end, Donghia also suggests some tools that can help someone in their minimalist transition, including a website (his own), a great minimalist handbook and several computer and Web-related applications designed to help you simplify and focus.

 What Didn't

• Long and unclear introduction. As I said, I've been reading Donghia's blog for a few months and, even so, in the beginning I found myself asking, "Just where is this going?" In the first five pages of the book, a lot of different concepts are touched on, from freedom to streams of noise to "time theft" to control issues to the Cookie Monster. 

While I appreciate a Sesame Street reference as much as the next person, it was hard to keep up with Donghia's train of thought far enough to see if it was a ride I even wanted to take. Because I don't like not knowing where I'm going in a book like this (part of my own control issues), I might have stopped reading if it weren't for this review. But once I got through a few more pages, I was in.

Who Would Like This Book

• Somebody who is frustrated with their life but not sure why. I'm sure this book — and, more so, minimalism — isn't the answer everybody is looking for, but I think that somebody who knows they need or want to make a change will appreciate what Donghia is saying and probably be able to take away a few things to use or think about.
• Beginning and wannabe minimalists. I consider myself a member of both these categories, so I should know, right? On one hand, Donghia doesn't necessarily share groundbreaking news, but he really does have some good ideas and he frames them in a way that is making me think differently than I have before.   

In his section, "How to Rise Above the Noise," Donghia talks about "filling the void" when adjusting to new, simpler ways. I've been experiencing a lot of roadbloacks in my own transition attempts, and as I read this advice, I immediately knew that this was my problem. For me, if I got nothing else out of the book (which I did), this one piece of advice was worth it.  

• A younger demographic. Not to say that somebody over the age couldn't appreciate this book (I did), but I think that an under-30 crowd will be able to relate to Donghia better. As someone approaching her mid-forties, I believe that you can learn from people of all ages, and I took away quite a bit from this book. But I admit that there was a part of me that kept thinking that someone so young doesn't understand the very legitimate issues Donghia brings up in the same way that I do.
• Somebody looking for a less extremist approach to minimalism. As I said before, nowhere will this book tell you to sell all but 50 pieces of your worldly possessions and make sure your passport it up-to-date. While Donghia's certainly not the only minimalist who isn't "location independent," it's refreshing to see somebody mixing traditional and non-traditional lifestyle choices and making it work.

Final Thoughts
Bottom line: I liked the book. Not a surprise, since I've been reading Donghia's blog and know that I like both his ideas and his writing.

And it's spurred me to action: I've just reduced my RSS feed by half — down to those who really matter to me, and plan to do the same with my Facebook connections and the people I follow on Twitter this weekend. That's what I can do right now to rise above my own noise.

Once more, I'll say that this book isn't for everybody. But if you're fascinated with the minimalist lifestyle — or are just sick of your own — this could be a book for you. Even if you come away with just one idea you consider really powerful (like filling the void), it could be worth the $10, and (if you buy it by March 10), you'd be helping out a really great cause, too.

To buy and download Rise Above the Noise, click here. And if you do read it, let me know what you think!

How to Conduct a Life Experiment

This has been week 2 of Phase II of my Ultrametabolism diet. Basically, Phase II means that I'm now adding back in most of the foods that I eliminated from my diet during Phase I. The idea is if there has been anything among the usual suspects (sugar, gluten, peanuts, dairy, eggs, alcohol or red meat) that has been affecting my health — or for some people, these things might be sabotaging weight-loss efforts — by reintroducing things in separately, I will be able to find out what I might have allergies or intolerances to.

This week I've had a few aha! moments — some specific to the diet and some that are bigger picture — and I I'd share:

1. My diet does not affect my rheumatoid arthritis. Phase I of this diet was four weeks of the cleanest eating I have had in my entire life. And two of those four weeks I spent in so much constant pain that it was sometimes hard to crawl out of bed in the morning. 'Nuff said.

2. Apparently I have some kind of allergy or intolerance to dairy. Before I started this diet, for the last eight years I had been on a nasal spray twice a day (religiously) that kept my sinus congestion to a minimum (but not completely gone) and prevented migraines (some of the time). On a whim, two days after I started the diet, I stopped using the spray. I figured I would need it again, but wanted to see how long I could go without.

It's been almost six weeks now and I haven't touched the nasal spray. My sinuses have stayed clear on their own and not one migraine in that time — I can't remember the last time I've gone this long without one! During this time I had a cold for a week that, in the past, would sure have led to a sinus infection without medication. This time, the cold just faded away.

Yesterday I introduced dairy back into my system for the first time: one of my favorites, a breakfast smoothie. Within an hour I could feel that my sinuses were congested and irritated. As much as it pains me to say it, bye, bye, dairy.

3. When conducting an "experiment," it's really important not to be attached to the results. From what I understand, a scientists asks a question, makes a hypothesis as to what the answer is, and then conducts an experiment to find out if the answer if right or wrong. But although the scientist created the hypothesis, she's really prepared for whatever outcome that might happen.

Really, that was what this diet was about: an experiment to see if I could improve my arthritis symptoms through healthy eating. When my joints started to swell and become painful, I realized that I was out of the over-the-counter medication that I take for it. What I should have done was called the experiment a failure, headed to Walgreens by day two or three and taken care of the immediate need. But I was so convinced I was creating such a healthy environment of my body that there was no way that the pain could persist. Oh, but it could. For two weeks.

Lesson learned. I have since been to Walgreens and things are right with the world again.

4. Finally, I learned that being flexible can sometimes create wonderful and unexpected benefits. Namely the dairy thing. When I decided to do the detox, how it might affect my allergies had never even crossed my mind. I had figured that I'd be buying that little bottle of nasal spray every month for the rest of my life, and I had resigned myself to it. Now, there's the possibility that, with a few changes in diet, not only can I stop buying the spray, but I might also be able to reduce my on-hand stock of Kleenex as well. As much as there are some foods that I will miss dearly (and sneak occasionally), this is huge.

So, the next time you conduct your own experiment — whether it's a new diet, a new style of writing or a new workout — remember that a scientist needs to be objective and flexible to get the most illuminating results possible.

Me, I'm off to find out whether almond milk, coconut milk or hemp milk is the best replacement in my smoothies.

On Becoming a Mentor

So, tomorrow I go to meet the teenage girl that I will most likely start mentoring. I'm very excited but also somewhat terrified. As I sit here, I think of the hell I experienced disguised as high school; I think almost 30 years later I'm still intimidated by the whole institution and those who spend their days in it.

But more than any fear that I feel is the desire to help somebody get through what I consider the worst part of growing up. As you can tell, I'm still pretty bitter about the experience, and I had good friends and a loving, supportive mother to help me through. From what I understand, many kids in the program that I'll be mentoring for don't have the advantages that even I had. It will probably take me a while to find out my mentee's full story, and out of respect (and legal safety) I doubt that I will be writing much about her specifically, but I feel that, with all of the things that I've been lucky to have in most of my life, it's my responsibility to make a difference in somebody else's life if I can.

It's funny, because up until a few years ago, I don't think I would have considered this type of volunteer opportunity. I've always said that I'm not a kid person, and in some ways that's still true. I have never wanted to have children of my own and I've never regretted that decision. Then three years ago, I looked into becoming a foster parent. I went through the initial interviews, but the more the agency described common behaviors of obviously troubled children, I realized that I most certainly do not have the temperament to deal with many of the situations I could find myself in. Seriously, the first time a kid starts throwing feces on the wall (one of their "real-life" examples), he's GOT TO GO.

[To give credit where it is due, before I made it to the interview stage, my best friend advised me against the whole idea and tried to tell me how hard it could be. At the time, I thought she was insulting my parenting capability, and we got into a huge fight. Granted, we were drinking, but it was bad enough that I thought it might be the end of our friendship. We never talked about it again, but after the interviews I really heard what she had been saying. So, to finally fess up -- Shelby: You. Were. Right.]

Months after I had put the fostering idea to rest, I realized that a lot of my motivation at the time had to do with the recent (a few months before) death of my mother. I think I was hoping to recreate that sense of family that my mother had given me when she was alive. So, I'm glad that I stopped when I did, because offering up your heart and home to somebody should be about them, not about what it's going to fill in your own life.

Now I'm ready. I've just finished (and triumphed over, I might say) a challenging 2 1/2 years in school. I'm starting to establish myself in my new career. I am feeling more positive, productive and motivated than I have at any other point in my life. And I want to do this primarily to make a difference in somebody else's life. If it makes a difference in my own as well -- well, that's just gravy. Yea, I'm ready.

So, if anybody has any cool ideas about things to do with a teenage girl (besides shopping), I'd love to hear your ideas.

Being Debt-Free Is About More Than Just Paying Bills

So, last night I made the announcement during a Twitter chat party that I KNOW that I will be debt-free by the end of the year. Now that I've put  the challenge to myself out into the Twit-o-sphere, it seems like I've got to get my ass in gear to make sure that it happens. As it is, I only have 10 1/2 months at this point to Get It Done, so there's no time to lose.

I could admit that I'm not sure that I will really be debt-free by the end of the year, but I won't. Part of the reason that I made the proclamation is the more I believe it, the more it's likely to happen. And if I've told other people about it, I'm also more likely to do whatever it takes to avoid admitting failure.

And it's not an entirely unachievable goal. It's definitely a stretch — I owe Wells Fargo a chunk of money — but I think it's more a matter of reconsidering my priorities (you know, the ones that got me here in the first place) and making adjustments based on what's really important to me.

I recently read something (I wish I could remember where) that's already come back into my head several times. The basic idea was about how being thrifty and saving money is, in a sense, relative. If you have $20 dollars, for example, what you do with it when you have another $100 or $500 in the bank is very different than what you would do if it were the last $20 that you have for the next 10 days until you get paid again.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to start using TeuxDeux again to keep track of my to-do lists. It's a really simple interface, you can break things down by the day you want them and there's just no extra distracting crap that you just don't need. And it's free. But then I started thinking, how cool would it be if I could transport those to-do lists with me on my iPhone — how cool would that be? So, I check the App store and discover that TeuxDeux has an iPhone app for only $2.99 — an absolute bargain.

Then, this idea of relativity came back into my head. Yes, $2.99 is nothing compared to many of the other things that I'll spend my money on this month. And yes, I do happen to have $2.99 (plus tax probably?) to spare. But then I thought, what if this were the only had $20 I had until I get paid next (which is in 11 days) -- would I still spend $2.99 for an app that I don't really need?

I think you can guess the answer to this. And I've also used this same question to decide if I'm going to buy a kettlebell to have the convenience of working out at home, even though my gym (with my free membership) is one floor down from work. Again, a no-brainer.

Essentially, I've become used to spending — wasting, really — money in favor of convenience. While I believe that there are things that are truly worth splurging on, I know that enabling my laziness and impatience is not on that list. It's important to remember that this is more than about spending less or saving more (those it is also about these things); this is about readjusting my perception of the world I live in, where I fit within it and what's really important. It's about changing my priorities for the rest of my life, not just today.

And while that makes it harder in some ways, it also makes it more exciting because I know that the changes that I make today are going to affect and benefit so many parts of my life tomorrow and other days to come. Now, really, how cool is that?

How to Push Past Your Fear

It's incredible how much fear can stop us from doing the things that we really want to do, and how often you can tell yourself that you're not going to be afraid anymore or that you're going to "feel the fear and do it anyway," and you can still find yourself (emotionally) crouched in a corner trembling. What is that all about, anyway?

During my misspent youth, I found that when I was out at a party or a bar, it was easier to talk to people when I was a little (or sometimes, a lot) drunk. Then one night I was out and I wasn't drunk, and I decided to, in a way, start acting like I was. Not the stumbling, slurring, crazy-talk drunk that some people can be (not me — ever!), but the drunk Jocelyn that found it easy to talk to anyone. And you know what? It worked. I had a blast that night, and no hangover the next morning. And it started many years of being a relatively outgoing person. Lately I've become somewhat antisocial again, but this time it's due to choice, not fear. Either way, it's really not the point.

When I decided to tell my current employer that I had set my sights on getting a job with them (yes, I'm bringing this up yet again), I chose to go up to two top editors and say, in so many words, "I want to work for you." Period. People probably do this kind of thing all the time, but not me. I go through all the proper channels;  I don't stalk the editor in chief at a wellness conference. But this time I did it, and it worked.

I know I could come up with many other one-shot examples like this, but I think I'm making my point. When I look back at things that I've done like this, I see a definite theme: I had a huge desire and, more importantly, I had the realization that I had nothing to lose. I'm not saying that I didn't care if I met new people or if I got the job that I wanted; actually, it was the opposite. I really wanted those things. And I realized that if I tried and failed, I was right where I already was. So, really, what did I have to lose? Nothing.

Having had this epiphany and having my own experiences as proof of its validity would make you think that I will try anything fearlessly at this point in my life. Again, quite the opposite. I find myself dealing with fear almost daily — I'm just one of those high-strung personalities. But when I get really stuck (like I have been with my writing the last few weeks), sometimes if I can just remind myself that I have nothing to lose by trying, I'm able to give myself that kick in the ass that I need.

I'm sure you've probably heard this a million times before, but, what would you do if you had nothing to lose?

No Whining Allowed!

Can I be honest? Today was a suck-ass day. The details don't really matter — let's just say that by 10:30 a.m. I wanted to come home and crawl back in bed until tomorrow.

And it was one of those days where things just piled upon each other, one by one by one. I even know that at a certain point it was more about interpreting things in a negative light than horrible events raining down on me, but by that time the source of the negativity didn't matter anymore. It was all just shitty.

I was going to work out after work — I hear that makes some people feel better. But thinking about it just made me feel worse. I had suffered enough at work and needed to be as far away from the building as possible (the gym's downstairs). (I do need to clarify: This was not a day about me hating my work. This was a day about me hating myself and how I do my work.)

So I came home and gave myself an hour to pout, and now it's down to business. If I'm not doing what I should be, then it's time to do some homework, get some practice and get it done. What's feeling sorry for myself going to do, except make me feel worse?

Sometimes easier said than done, but I'm really trying — I swear! In the meantime, as I'm going through my RSS, I come across the post, "You Cannot Die," by Julien Smith of In Over Your Head.

Smith starts out discussing how, because of all of our precautions (or is it despite them?), it's actually very hard to be die or seriously be injured through normal life activities. Then he takes it further:

In this world, you cannot die in any environment.
You cannot die socially because the social fabric smoothes over most mistakes with time.
You cannot die on the web because failure is cheap and the worst that happens is obscurity.
We are in a world where the chance of permanent, uncorrectable failure has dropped to zero.

Smith continues on to make a point that —obviously — has nothing to do with the day I've just had, but this is exactly what I needed. Considering all of my screw-ups of the day (many real, some imagined), the above is really good news and will help me sleep tonight. I don't know if those I work most closely with would agree, but one can always pretend, right?

So, how did your day go?

Week 3 of UltraMetabolism Detox, or Why Is Everyone Tempting Me With Free Pastries?

In the last 24 hours, on three separate occasions, I have walked away from free buffets of bread, donuts, cinnamon rolls, banana bread, carrot cake and a host of other bakery items. And bacon. All because of my UltraMetabolism detox. It's a good thing that Phase I is only one more week — Jocelyn is becoming a very bitter girl.

I think if I walk away from this detox having learned anything, it will have been to be more conscious about food and my eating habits. Right now especially, depriving myself of so many of my favorite things, I find myself really thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth and how it tastes (sometimes good, sometimes bad). In the future I think that even when I eat something that I shouldn't, I will do it with a conscious knowledge and appreciation for the experience. Hopefully that's a good thing, right?

In the meantime, a few things that I've learned so far about healthy eating and my reactions to it:

Things that I hope I never have to go without again:

• some kind of sweetener (if not sugar, then at least agave nectar or honey)
• butter
• bread
• eggs

Things I hope I never have to eat again:

• Unsweetened soy milk
• Quinoa as a substitute for oatmeal at breakfast

Things, despite expectations, I actually like:

• Plain soy yogurt — although a little runny, it tastes good and works in smoothies
• Gluten-free bread —well, kind-of like
• Quinoa as a substitute for rice at dinner — you can even cook it in your rice cooker, too!
• Kale — my new favorite all-purpose veggie: it adds an interesting texture to my smoothies, and I'm completely addicted to kale chips — who knew? 

Oh yea, although I don't know what it is, I'm pretty sure that one of the things I've given up (gluten, dairy, sugar, eggs, caffeine, peanuts) is responsible for a lot of my sinus congestion. I've gone 2 1/2 weeks without my nasal spray with no issues, which has been unheard of for me for the last six or seven years. I'm anxious to start reintroducing these things (for many reasons!) to see what I might have to give up. With my luck, it'll be gluten or sugar.

All in all, a pretty enlightening experiment so far.

The Gift of Silence

I sit in my living room after having just watched a movie: the television is off and the only sound is of the furnace pushing sweet, warm air into the room.

I think I've mentioned before that before I dumped my TV service, it was almost always on in the house. I turned it on the minute I walked in the door from work and turned it off before I headed upstairs to bed. On weekends, it was on from the time I woke up. Most of my time in front of the television consisted of doing other things as I was watching it, but it was definitely a constant background to my home life.

I have found that even since I've stopped watching television, I often turn on my iPod, which is hooked up to my stereo and speakers, and listen to that throughout the evenings as I read, surf the internet or write. So, still, there is not a lot of silence in my life.

A few years ago, during a particularly hot summer, we were experiencing a lot of blackouts in my neighborhood. As the house got stuffy (some of the outages were lasting six hours or more), I would sit on the deck in my back yard and just listen. Even with some traffic noise coming from the freeway a block away, it was eerily quiet. The normal rumblings of homes in the neighborhood had been silenced completely.

As I sit here now, I am comforted by the relative absence of noise and am reminded that sometimes one really should seek out silence, even though it's not something that's encountered often naturally. In a world where we are bombarded with pings and dings, buzzes and rings, silence give us space. Space to think, space to be inspired, space to breathe.

The next time you've reached your limit, consider heading into another room (or corner if that's all you have), turn off the TV and phone, silence your email alerts and take a few minutes, just breathing in whatever silence you can get.

Creating Your Vision — Streamlined Goal Setting

It's three weeks into 2011 — how are your resolutions holding up so far?

For the last six weeks, everybody has been talking about goals: how to decide what they are, how to make them SMART, how to implement them, how to stay on track. There are a lot of different ways to go about it and I doubt that any one (or seven) way is right — it all depends on what works for you.

I've spent the last month or more researching how others went about creating their goals, and I even half-heartedly tried some of them out myself. I say half-heartedly not because they weren't great systems, but they just didn't seem to be great systems for me. So I've decided to put in my two cents on how to create goals. If anybody is already feeling intimidated by recently set resolutions, this might be the way for you to re-empower yourself to continue on with your goals.

I don't really think of what I do as making "resolutions" and, to a degree, not even traditional goals, but I have developed a system over the last few years that helps me to set myself and my actions in the right direction for the year ahead. Before I started this process, I used to find it difficult to set specific goals because, well, basically, I. WANT. IT. ALL. It probably would have taken me the first half of the year to finish listing and strategizing all the goals I wanted to accomplish.

For me, the key strategy to establishing any kind of goals, intentions or whatever you want to call it is simplicity. The more complicated it gets, the more overwhelmed I get and the less likely I am to follow through on anything. So if any of you are like me, this is what I came up with:

Create Overarching Visions
I figured out what I had to do is come up with one overarching vision in different parts of my life and from there set some intentions on how I would create those visions. So as to not get bogged down with 20 different areas and visions (as I know I could), I limit myself to five. This year, they are:

• Physical and emotional health
• Home
• Financial
• Community/relationship
• Work/travel

These categories can change slightly from year to year, and sometimes not at all. Last year I had a relationship goal as a category of its own (and that worked out well -- not). This year, I combined it with my community goal and added financial, which is something that I have both the need and ability to work on more this year.

Also, to some the last category, work/travel, may seem like they don't belong, but there is a method to my madness. I have an overarching vision to develop my job into one that allows me to do a lot of traveling, so I thought that if I put them together, I would be more likely to to work on things to make that happen.


Main Actions to Reach My Vision
Once again in the name of simplicity, for each life area I've created, I limit myself to three big-picture actions that are going to get me to the goal I've envisioned. For instance, this is what my vision looks like in the "Home" category:

Home - To create a decadently comfortable and inviting environment

• Remove unnecessary clutter
• Finish repair projects
• Get yard in order

And I've done that for all five areas of my life. That's the basic gist of how I create my goals.


Task Lists
It probably seems too simplified for some, and that there are probably some very necessary details left out. The last step is to create detailed action lists, ones that I can check things off as I get things done and get closer to my goals.

To continue with the Home example, I will make a list that includes the different repair projects and yard projects that need to be taken care of. In this particular case, I will probably even categorize them by time of year they'll get done. Let's face it: it's January in Minnesota -- no yard or outdoor projects are getting done for several months.

In the meantime, I can work on indoor repair projects (I need to replace baseboards in three different rooms), and I can also make a list of every room in the house and cross them off as I go through and remove clutter for sale or donation. And again, I do these list for each of my goals.

Flexibility
What works for me about creating and planning my goals like this is that it forces me to really prioritize what's most important to me. And it also allows me to be flexible down the road. Because I haven't bombarded myself with 20 different resolutions, or 50 different actions to complete, I feel freer to create a new or improvised vision down the road of I feel it's warranted (or if I just want to, for that matter).

I know this plan won't work for everybody. Hell, it might not work for most people. But if there are a few of you out there who get intimidated by these complex plans, spreadsheets and arts and crafts projects that others suggest, this might be just what you're looking for. If you have questions, or are trying it out and have insights or suggestions to offer, please let me know.

You've Got to Give (Up) a Little to Get a Little

I'm really trying to embrace this whole "new year, new me" concept as I do every January, and this year I'm helped along by the examples and resources provided for me by my coworkers and the great magazine that I work for. But even after just 20 days of the new year, I'm fascinated by how much I've already given up in search of a better me.

As a rule, I am not somebody who makes sacrifices -- for anything or anybody. That's probably at least part of the reason why I am unmarried and childless (but that's another conversation altogether). So, even in pursuit of a "higher self," giving up one thing is almost unthinkable, and yet I've given up several in the last few weeks.

But then I realized that for everything that I've given up, I have gained at least one -- better -- thing in return, if not more. And I think I'm starting to understand more clearly how you really do need to give up (or just give) something to get something in return. Even relationship experts talk about how, if you're preparing to find a relationship partner, you should make room in closets and dresser drawers to be physically as well as emotionally ready for that person to come along (again, a conversation for a later day).

So I started thinking about what I've given up so far versus what I've gotten back already. This is what I came up with:

• Television service - money and time. Even though this wasn't about money, I figure by the end of the year I'll be over $1100 richer from canceling my service. And I've probably gained a good 30 hours a week of tv-free time at home.
• Sugar and high-fructose corn syrup - breathing through my nose. They say that sugar causes inflammation and I believe it. After the first several days of my detox, I noticed that my sinuses, that are almost always congested, were clearer. I haven't used my nasal spray (usually taken twice a day) in over a week now.
• Caffeine - deeper sleep and a little self-respect. I feel that I've been getting to sleep quicker than I used to and, once asleep, I'm not waking up in the middle of the night as I sometimes did. Also, as somebody who was caffeine-free for over 10 years, I was a little embarrassed at my Day 1 reaction to going caffeine-free again. I'm glad that it was a short-lived and that I'm back on track.
  

I expect that this is a very small list of all the things I will have given up and gained in the next month, six months, year. But it gives me hope and inspiration to create even more positive change. And it makes me fully realize that if I want to create and gain wonderful things in my life, I have to embrace a little more sacrifice of the things that are easy and fun but unproductive.

Phase I of UltraMetabolism Detox

Won't be doing this for the three weeks!

I've just finished the first week of the UltraMetabolism eight-week detox. Technically, the real detox started today -- last week was just getting rid of the most toxic things in my diet: sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, caffeine, hydrogenated oils, packaged foods and alcohol.

The middle of last week had me questioning whether my life was worth living with the above things (complete with severe caffeine withdrawal and olfactory hallucinations), but now comes even more things to eliminate for the next three weeks: dairy, gluten, eggs, pork and red meat. I'm not looking forward to it, but I just keep reminding myself how much this will benefit my system. Also, I'll get the opportunity to discover if any of the things I eat contribute to my rheumatoid arthritis -- that alone would be worth the suffering.

I can tell you that while there are things that I plan to permanently eliminate from my diet (HFCS and hydrogenated oils), there are things that I'm currently on the fence about (caffeine), things that I will probably limit (dairy, alcohol, maybe pork) and things that I'm reintroducing as soon as I can (right now I can't decide between bringing back eggs, gluten or natural sweeteners first).

Dr. Hyman says that most people on this detox plan lose 6-12 pounds during phase one, and if they really listen to how their body reacts and make healthy changes to their diet and lifestyle, will continue to lose weight. That's huge for people who struggle with their weight for a variety of reasons. But that's not really why I'm doing this.

More than anything I want to be educated about the way that I'm eating. Not having ever really worried about my weight, I've always subscribed to the "eat what tastes good" diet. I knew that some of the things I ate were good for me, some weren't and then there were those things that I wasn't sure about either way. But now I want to know for sure. Even if I still choose some unhealthy foods occasionally, I want to do it making an informed decision. That's what Dr. Hyman and his UltraMetabolism prescription is going to do for me.

What I've found most interesting from reading his book is that most of what Dr. Hyman recommends is how I was fed as a child. At first I was surprised. Then I wasn't. The foundation of Hyman's theory is that we need to get back to eating what our bodies were designed to eat and what we did eat before industrialization changed every aspect of our lives. And how would my mother have grown up eating, in the 1930s in the hills of Jamaica, where they grew and raised the majority of their food and the only preservative they knew about was salt? Once again, mother has proven that she knows best!

I'll keep you updated on how the detox goes and, although results are different for everyone, what I learn about common reactions and any interesting recipes or food products that I come across. If you have any specific questions, please let me know.

How to Get the Job You Want

The other day I was asked by a fellow member of the Professional Editors' Network (PEN), a college junior, what I did to get the job I now hold. As a new graduate (and employee), I wouldn't have thought that I have a lot to offer yet in the way of advice, but she said me being a new graduate was what caught her attention. She wanted to know what classes I took beyond Beginning Editing to create a focus on editing that the school didn't naturally have.

I'm not sure that I had a lot to offer this person because, as much as I love editing, that wasn't my focus -- mine was the magazine industry. If there had been a class on how to be the personal assistant to someone in the magazine industry, I probably would have taken it, JUST IN CASE. That's how bad I wanted to be in the industry.

But the more I thought about it, I realized that I do have an interesting story to tell and some advice that just might work for somebody out there. Last spring -- probably March or April -- I decided that I wanted to work for Experience Life magazine and six months later I was offered a full-time position with them. I figure I must have done something right.

So, I've broken it down into three main things to keep in mind when you're trying to get the job that you want:

• Find a way to stand out. This can obviously take many different forms, depending on your industry, the nature of the job and the potential employer that you're working with. I took a pretty direct approach myself:

I attended a health and wellness conference specifically to meet Pilar, the editor in chief. I was armed with my resume and writing samples. At lunch I introduced myself to her and told her that I wanted to work for her someday, and by the end of the day I had left my resume packet with her. Two days later, I went to the EL offices and repeated my words and actions with Craig, the managing editor.

Despite a busy summer with classes, work and an internship somewhere else, I tried to occasionally stay in touch by e-mail just so that Pilar and Craig wouldn't forget about me. Honestly, I kind of dropped the ball on the last part (it was a busy summer!), but in July they offered me the chance to interview for an internship.

• Take advantage of opportunity, regardless of timing. My summer consisted of extra hours and duties at work to cover for a manager on maternity leave, an internship that was first real-life experience into the magazine world,  a class that was the probably the most stressful four credits I ever earned (ironically, for a stress-management class!) and multiple staff changes at the school newspaper where I was the editor. At night I would dream about the first week of August, when my manager would come back to work, my internship would end and I could finally have some time to think again. The last thing I needed was another internship.
  On top of that, the internship that I was interviewing for was for a Web/social media intern. As much as social media and the Internet interest me, I didn't necessarily think that creating a family reunion website on iWeb and playing around on Twitter for six months really made me qualified for the position. But I figured, what the hell, and when I interviewed I was honest about my experience as well as my internse fascination for social media and a natural ability to learn quickly.
   
• If you get the chance, show them all the ways that you can be of use. I kept my internship responsibilities my main focus, but I also listened to conversations going on around me to see where else I could help. When one editor was getting swamped with fact-checking, I offered to stay late whenever I could to help out with that. When my team leader was close to heading out on her maternity leave, I offered to up my hours to help take some of the pressure off the editor that would be assuming her responsibilities.

And, of course, when that editor got a great opportunity at another publication, I jumped at the chance to take over many of her responsibilities immediately, even while I was finishing up the last six weeks of school before graduation.

The second half of 2010 was a long, sleep-deprived blur for me in many ways. And given a choice I might have executed some things differently (then again, maybe not). But in the end, I have a lot of valuable knowledge and experience, a great new job that I love and, I think, a pretty cool story to tell.

Ignite Your Soul

I was trying to decide what my first post on my new blog was going to be: something to start both the blog and the year out right. I saw this in my feed from ItStartsWith.Us and it was just what I was looking for.

If you're anything like me, the thought of an 8-minute YouTube video sends you running. But, trust me, this will keep your attention -- the art is cool, the music is cool and the quotes are inspirational and AMAZING. Check it out:



Hope you enjoyed it. Tons of new and crazy ideas coming your way soon!